What Doesn't Kill You Makes You... Stronger?

They say what doesn't kill you only make you stronger, but does it really?

I realized that most of my blog posts are quite morbid, but I'm working on making my life a little sunnier, I really am.

Right now, my life pretty much sucks. I mean, it could be worse, I could be getting beat or be starving, but even though I'm perfectly intact and my stomach is satisfied, life still sucks. Why, you ask, does my life suck so much? Excellent question, you. Well, for starters, I have a motivation level of zero, so getting work done is about ten times more difficult. Secondly, my grades suck. They suck because I have zero motivation to do anything other than watch eight straight episodes of "Grey's Anatomy". Lastly, I'm so stressed out about my college applications, that I've been avoiding them for the last three weeks. It's a sad cycle; I'm stressed out because my apps aren't finished, and I avoid my apps because I'm stressed out.

So, my life is pretty blue right now. I've hit such a low point that I'm doing the only thing that makes my mood a little better: I'm listening to Christmas music. Yeah, it's gotten that bad. (When I hit rock bottom, I add a slurpie to that equation.)

Now to get into the deep stuff.
When I'm depressed or mad, I like to listen to what I call "feel good" songs. For example, in my "Feel Good" playlist, I have Katy Perry's "Roar", Sara Bareilles' "Brave", Daniel Powter's "Bad Day", and lastly, Kelly Clarkson's "What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)". So, while I was stress cleaning my room, that last song played, and it got me thinking, does what doesn't kill you really make you stronger? After a bit of pondering, I've come to the conclusion that, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger only when pick yourself up when it pushes you down. By it, I'm referring to life... or the things that life throws at you. And so, returning back to my sad, sad life, how do I pick myself up again? Where am I supposed to find motivation? How can I just start being a good student? Any suggestions? Help a fellow human out, we have to stick together.

John Mayer: An Opportunity I Want to Take

John Mayer doesn't go on tour often, and when he does, he only comes to LA once throughout his whole tour. Tomorrow night, John Mayer will be in LA on Jimmy Kimmel Live, and I have tickets to go see him perform his eargasm-inducing music. But (there's always a but when something's too good to be true, isn't there?) my wonderful, wonderful mother will not let me attend this amazing, possibly, once in a life-time chance, to go see my absolute favorite artist. Why? Because she thinks I'm going to crash my car and die. 

She just doesn't understand the world of music lovers, and my greatly fond, greatly, fond appreciation for music. Music is my life. My iPod contains my life. If I miss this opportunity, I'm probably going to go jump off of a bridge. It's John Mayer. John Fucking Mayer. I can't just toss this opportunity aside. I'll never be able to live with myself if I do. 

So, if I go anyways, my parents will probably lose their shits and take away my car, phone, laptop, and whatever. Is John Mayer all that worth it? Damn straight he is. I'm going to that concert one way or another. John Mayer, you better not cancel the concert, and I better see you tomorrow at 7:15PM. So help me God. 


Update: I did end up rebelling, and IT FREAKEN ROCKED! I got to see John Mayer, and I just fell more in love with him.. his music I mean. 

My mom wasn't actually that mad about it, got to give her more credit next time.

(This is "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room", one of my most favorite songs.)

It's Time

They say that life is a journey, but where does the journey end? Does it end at just death? We strive to be better people and to become more successful; to help the world be a better place. But will there ever be a time or place where we will be that better person? Or that successful person? 

I think there will never be a time or place where we can just stop striving. I think life is a journey that never ends. We will never be the best person that we possibly can be. We will never be the most successful person that we can be. I think the journey of life continues into the afterlife. Maybe we will pick off of where we stopped, or maybe we start fresh, but we will always be the people that we are. 

And so, where I'm going with this is, life is a journey that never ends. We have time to be unsure, we have time to make mistakes, and get back up again. Right now, I'm having second thoughts about everything I thought I was sure about last week. I had a life crisis on Tuesday night, and I was a pinch away from a breakdown. On Tuesday night, I was studying for a biology test that I had on Wednesday. My brain decided that it didn't want to absorb anything that I was reading. It actually decided to just zone out, and I couldn't focus. I was trying and trying to read my text book, but it just wasn't working. I was frustrated and I felt completely hopeless. I felt like my life was crashing down on me. I studied the best that I could, and I went to sleep feeling like a failure. I went to school on Wednesday, I took my biology test during fifth period, and I got a 54%. It was as expected, but I still felt exasperated. On Thursday, for some reason I felt a push to go to the Jesus club meeting at my school. I went, and there was about ten to fifteen people, most of which that I didn't know; these kids weren't exactly the cream of the crop at my school. But I shoved all the hesitance out of my head, and I realized that I wasn't any superior than anyone in the room. I stayed for the meeting, and I listened with an open and desperate heart. The student speaker, that was sharing the message, challenged us with this one question, "Where are you?" It was the question that God asked Adam and Eve after they took the fateful bite out of the forbidden fruit. When God asked them that, He didn't mean, "Where are you", He meant, "Where are you?" Spiritually. So, I asked myself, "Where am I?"

And I realized, I was no where. I was trapped in a labyrinth of social expectations and a set of falsity that believed about myself. These past couple of months, I've been telling myself that I was okay, that I was making lemonade. But I wasn't. I've been making cough syrup. It's time that I seek my real journey; my real journey with God, myself, my ambitions, and the truth. It's okay if I'm not sure right now. One day I will have to be sure, but today is not that day.

Life is a journey, and I've been trying to find a shortcut. I've been wasting my time. It's time to turn around and get back on my path. 

What In the Hell Am I Doing?

School is still just starting, and so far, I'm hating every bit of it. Just to be completely honest. 

I feel like everything I'm doing, I'm putting effort into, but all I'm getting only half of what I'm putting in back. Or maybe I'm just giving myself too much credit. But in any case, everything is just really difficult and I feel like the only thing I'm making is a mistake. 

I'm on the brink of the first breakdown of the year, and I really don't want to be in this position right now. I want to run away, bury myself in a hole and never come out again. 

I'm really stressed right now because I'm applying to colleges right now, and I still have no idea where I want to apply to; I am also supposed to be writing my applications right now too, and I'm really behind. On top of that, I have an upcoming SAT II subject test coming up in less than two weeks. On top of that, I, for reasons unknown, signed up for AP Biology at school, and I'm failing miserably. 

I'm just really distracted and I can't find my calm anywhere. I find it really hard to concentrate at home because everything is in front of me: my laptop, my phone, my dog, my sisters, my grandpa, and loads and loads of food. And when I go to study at a small coffee shop, that's relatively quiet, I can only stay for, tops two hours, because something will eventually annoy me, so I just get up and leave. 

Just moments ago, my mom, who I see everyday for a total of about five minutes, kept coming into my room while I was trying to study for my Bio test tomorrow, so I just got really frustrated, and I just snapped at her. 

I feel like I just can't do it. I can't win in my tennis matches, I can't pass my Biology tests, I can't write my college essays. Right now it all just sounds like a huge sob story, but I'm on the brink of throwing the towel in. I never imagined my senior year would get so stressful so fast. 

I'm hanging on the one thread of hope I have right now, Jesus. And I feel like shit going back to Him after I've been pushing Him away for several months now. I didn't think I was, but I think I was really angry at Him for messing up our church and our family. I was hurt, and I still am. I don't know if I can just "go back" to God. I know I need Him to get by in the world, but I just don't know how I can trust Him. 

Life is beating me down, and I'm slowly falling down into the hole it's pushing me in. 

Happy Times

In Recent Events....

The last couple weeks were by far the best weeks of summer. My main bitch (I've always wanted to say that) finally came home from her numerous stops all around the world, and we just chilled here and there, took naps together, did some pretty lame stuff, AND IT WAS AWESOME. All summer long, I felt like I've been around people that didn't completely get me, and when she finally came back, I felt like I didn't have to overly exert myself for her to understand me. Or I didn't have to step around her so that I wouldn't offend her, all I had to do was be myself. Having familiarity around you is a nice break. 

Life

As an incoming senior, I have to get started on my college applications and start thinking about my "future". It's been a real struggle trying to fit who I am and what matters to me in 250-500 words. However in the last couple of weeks, I've been really conscientious watching for what I truly enjoy and what I want to be doing for the rest of my life (or maybe half my life, who knows? I'm pretty prone to change my mind).  

BUT, I don't know what triggered this epiphany or when or how it happened, I realized that I want to go in to media production. I want to be behind a camera and direct a commercial, a news broadcast, a film. That's what I want to do. 

And if you don't know the feeling of being certain, it is pretty freaking awesome. The feeling of being at peace, is so relieving and joyous in all the right ways. I'm been smiling and bubbly all week. 

Good Music, Good Vibes, Popsicles, and Snickerdoodles

You don't come across good music too often, but I have to say, I've been bombarded with good music this past week. 

This album has just blown me away. It's not the same as Continuum, but change is good, and John Mayer is still John Mayer, just a little hillbilly-ified. Compared to his other music, this album is a lot more upbeat and just awesome!!!! (My favorite song from the album is "I Will Be Found (Lost At Sea)", it's just such a beautiful and down-to-earth song. You can really hear the rawness that Mayer is trying to convey.)

I've recently just got into Paramore, and realized that, they rock! Hayley Williams' is a total rocker and badass chick. This album (Paramore's self-titled album) is nothing short of my favorite album from Paramore. There's a lot of sass going on, but it just makes it all the better! I love a good song with some sass. My favorite song from the album is "Grow Up", it makes me happy. 

I know Katy Perry is overrated, but she's overrated for a reason. She's really talented. And I love her new concept. "Roar" is awesome. I love jamming to it in the car and just letting the tiger inside me loose! 

I didn't really just discover this, but since I'm on the topic of good music, I thought, "what the heck"!

First of all, Sara Bareilles is a freaken goddess. She is one of my absolute favorite artists, and she's one of the most talented out there. Her vocals are unbeatable. Her song writing is set apart from all others. And, to add on to all the awesomeness, she's a total emblem for feminism. I love running to feministic songs (I know, weird) and she's always in my playlists. (Woman power!!) My favorite songs on the album are "Brave", of course, amazing song, and "Little Black Dress", awesome, awesome, album.

Good music really sets a week apart, and music one of my main forms of consolidation and bringing the day together. I would rather lose my phone then my Ipod, music is one of the most prominent figures in my life, and I hope to share good music with good people.

Until next time,

arrivederci!! 

It

One day it wasn't there and then the next it was.  It is the color of death and all of its friends. It reeks of dead seals and rotting prunes. Nobody knows what it feels like, but some say it feels like the sound of nails on a chalk board. Seven and nine legged creatures live under its skin, and it feeds off of fear.

They say if you were to place your hand on it, it would first melt your skin off with its searing venom and then suck out all the blood, then your arteries and then the meat off of your hand. You would never feel it, only the antagonizing pain that it inflicts.

Like the eyes of Medusa, one look at it leaves people speechless and frozen. Once you've had a glance you can never forget all the layers of evil and misery that inhabits it. It feels nothing. The only thing it is capable of is vice.

But one day, through the storm, a hero will arise and she will destroy every last fear that the people live in. She will eradicate it with the mighty cord of the Hoover. Nay, she will destroy it.

Yes, the day will come when the evil that conspires within the air vent will die.

Hope

If you've been paying attention to recent news (or if you received the Amber Alert on Monday), then you'll be familiar with the story of sixteen-year-old Hannah Anderson. If you don't know, Hannah Anderson was abducted by a family friend after her mother and her brother were killed. All week long, I've been following the story of Hannah Anderson hoping and praying that she would be rescued. I think this story struck really close to home because I could have been Hannah Anderson. I could have been kidnapped and my family could have been killed. For some reason, I almost felt like she took my place; like I lucked out and didn't get kidnapped. 

When I heard today that they finally found Hannah and that the son of a bitch (pardon my French) that kidnapped her was gone, I was so relieved and thankful that Hannah wasn't going to be forgotten, like so many other kidnapped victims that are never found. 

Last year, when the Sandy Hook shootings happened, the incident was brought up in class, and someone asked if "they knew why he did it". My teacher responded and said, "There is no possible explanation why someone would shoot another person. Someone who is willing to take the life of someone else has no justification". In many ways, I find those words to be so true; there is no justification for James Lee DiMaggio. Bad things happen to good people and bad things happen to good people. We'll never know why, but we have to stay strong and hold each other up when we fall. 

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My first post was about how life catches us off guard. I was really vague in my post, because I wasn't ready to talk about what was going on in my life. But, now that things have happened and I've accepted the life I was given, I think I'm ready.

A couple of weeks ago, the doctors found a small cyst in my aunt's uterus. They performed a biopsy on the cyst and determined that the cyst was cancerous. While we were all at Big Bear for vacation, our parents dropped the bomb on us, and the day was filled with the water works. At first, I was in shock, then denial, but then I looked around at my family and realized that we were going to get through the shit life just threw at us. We were strong. 

Then we found out that the cancer was still in the first stage. My hope had grown from a small mustard seed to a giant tree.

Two weeks later, my aunt has had a hysterectomy and the surgery went well. We went to go visit her today, because today was the day she came out of the hospital. At first we were walking around her and trying to be extra nice, but then I saw my aunt comforting her son (also my cousin), who was getting a tinsie bit emotional, and saw the strength and bravery that my aunt had. My hope has grown from a twenty foot tree to a tree kissing the tips of the clouds. My aunt has been strong for her family, so now I'm going to be strong for her. If she has go through chemotherapy and she loses her hair, hell, I will shave my head in support of that strong and beautiful woman. 

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"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
Matthew 17:20

College, oh College

How did you know what your dreams and aspirations were? Were you hit in the back of the head with a block of wood and then decided to become a carpenter? Were you a tornado victim and saw the work of the Red Cross when you decided you wanted to become a paramedic? Did you decide to be an astronaut when NASA came and visited your school?

I, a beach-loving, dog-loving, music-loving 17-year-old gal, have no idea what I want to be doing with my life ten years from now. I don't want to be a pediatrician (like 98.7% of teenage girls). I don't have the patience or tolerance to be a teacher. I don't want to be a lawyer. I also do not want to make people food for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a mom.

Naturally, I want to help people. I want to make differences in the lives of the people I meet. I want to travel. I want to buy a blue and pink sari. I want to reel in fish from the docks of Greece. I want to eat pasta in Italy and feel the flavors and accents of the food in the depths of my soul. I want be familiar with the people in Spain. I want to swim with rays and sharks in Tahiti. I want to buy a ukulele from Hawaii. I want to do so many things, but I have no idea who I want to be.

I know about a millions things that I like and that I dislike. For example, I love turtles and I hate crying babies. But do I really know who I am? No, I don't.

For the last several years, I've always avoided "the talk", with myself (ironically), about what I was going to do later. I kept putting it off, saying that I would figure it out when the time came and that I had time. But the time has come, and I have no idea what I'm going to do. 

How did Barack Obama decide that he was going to run for presidency? How did J.K. Rowling decide that she would write books? How did Sara Bareilles decide that she would write music? How did you decide?

If you haven't already guessed, I am in the midst of writing my college applications, and I am in dire need of help! Tell me your story (and I know everyone has one). Any and all insight is greatly appreciated!!!! 

Family

We (my whole family which consists of: three aunts, three uncles, seven cousins, and three sisters) just came back from a three day vacation up to Lake Arrowhead, and three days was enough. If we had stayed a day later, World War III would have erupted. 

BUT, we had a great time. We didn't necessarily go to amazing places and eat extraordinary foods, we mostly stayed at home and just soaked up each other's company. (With an occasional "hike" to a promised stream that did not exist.) We played some intense games of Taboo, Scrabble, Monopoly, and a new one called Heads Up, which was hilarious. 

We started the vacation on a more somber note, not because we were all irritated with each other, but because we were faced with a difficulty that we were all going to have to deal with together. So, the rest of the trip wasn't exactly a carefree bowl of cereal, but I feel like it acted as a binding glue to gather us all together before we faced the storm. Together. Really, it was just a really good time for all of us. 

He posed like this and then proceeded to say he was "Lizard Man".

Munchkin-making mirrors are always fun. 

The true face of a tired dog.

#YOLO. They didn't even know what YOLO meant, I am slightly relieved that they didn't.

 I believe in God, and I believe that He is my lord and savior. I pray almost everyday and I speak with Him. It's been this way for almost my whole life. Yet, I still barely know how He works. I have no idea why difficulty after difficulty is placed in our lives. But this time, I think it's a little different. I believe that this difficulty was placed in our lives to bring us closer together and to turn us into a more solid family.  I know that God is going to be with us every step of the way, but I'm still afraid. However, I know that God makes all things work together for our good. So, I'm gonna have faith. 

Such a tiny, beautiful tree

God is good. All the time. 

Life: The Beautifully Uncontrolled

I haven't nearly experienced the amount of life that I want to, but throughout the seventeen years I have experienced, I've learned a lot.

I've learned that life will come swinging at you while you're sleeping, while you're in the shower, and even while you're enjoying an ice cream sandwhich on a cool summer evening. Talk about being caught off guard.

Today, I was caught off guard. I'm so used to being in control; from what clothes goes in my laundry basket to what my little sister wears out, I'm always in control. More recently than before, I've been relying more on myself than anybody else. I wanted to do everything alone, I didn't want help from anybody. I believed that I could and would be self-sufficient. I won't get into the gruesome details, but let's just say I was being an ignorant little fool. Then, like the kind dude life is, life knocked me right off my feet and left me there. Luckily, despite the fact that I've been a selfish prick, my family and more importantly, God was there to pick me up off my feet.

While I was still on the floor, Life handed me an envelope with an evil bug from Krypton (probably one of General Zod's little schemes) in it, and he said, "Deal with it".

And you know what? I am going to deal with it. In fact, I'm going to deal the hell out of it.

Sometimes it takes people a lifetime to change, and sometimes it takes a heartbeat. If it takes a change to deal with that godforsaken bug, then I will change. But not alone. I've neglected the person that loves me no matter how many times I curse His name for far too long. I need to go back, and I know it's not going to be easy, but I know I can do anything when God's awesome hands are there to pick me up when life pushes me down.

I've started a blog to help me express myself to some other earthly beings so that they can help me and, hopefully, I can help them along the way as well.

Life may push us down, but we all know that after he does, he comes back around and hands us another envelope filled with all the amazingness of life.