That's life. Karma. Life's not fair. You can't always get what you want. Life's a bitch.
People say these phrases to me, and I say them to myself, all the time. I hear them so much, that they've lost meaning to me. What do you mean life's not fair? I get it, that my suffering is inevitable. I get that part, but why. Why do I have to experience stress and anxiety so often? If I do all the pre-requisites right, then shouldn't the road be cleared of bumps and cracks? I get it, that we don't plan out our own lives and that God is in control. I'm willing to put my faith and trust in God, but why then does He have to instill so much pain? Isn't it enough that I trust in Him and I choose to live by Him?
This sucks.
I'm running out of hope. I get closer and closer to throwing the towel in each day, and my reasons for not throwing it in are getting slimmer and slimmer. The people around me are not encouraging me. I'm just getting annoyed and frustrated with them as well. From here, maybe it's me. No it's not. I'm trying so hard to look over the belittling and the condescending remarks, but at certain points it's too hard. I have stress too. I can't keep a smile on my face while holding in my sorrows and accept your shit. I'm barely keeping myself together and to have to take your shit at the same time is not going to work with me.
-fast forward to six hours later, when I'm out of my anger rage-
Yeah, I'm still a little upset that life is the way that it is. It's not like 'oh, I hate surprises'. It's more like, I can see things coming my way, but I can't do anything about them. And it does suck. My questions are still in the air, and I still want answers. Actually not just answers, I want solutions. How can I make this better? But for now, I'm willing to settle. Honestly, I'm not sure why. I know that God is beside me, but I still keep wanting to turn around and make sure. I'm really confused still of how this is all supposed to go down, but whatever. I guess. I'm here, God's there. I'm just going to wait, and in the meantime try to understand what the hell is going on.
