Greatness

I move into college in just about one day, and yesterday, I was just fine, but now I feel like I'm about to shit bricks. 

For about three weeks, I've been basically doing nothing, just binge watching "Orange is the New Black" (which isn't as good as everyone raves, the story line is very repetitive and predictable) and "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" (funny, but not entirely realistic). I was actually really anxious to start school and move on with my life. Surprisingly, not having anything to do gets depressing. For three weeks, I got up no earlier than 11:30, and I snacked all day long in the huge stash that my house has right now, we're talking Hot Cheetos, Flamin' Funyuns, Cheez-its, pretzles, Oreos, and an assortment of cookies. It sounded like life, but it got old real quick.

But this week was different; I actually started, and almost finished packing. I met up with my friends one last time, I left some postcards for my sisters to mail me, I made one last batch of cookies, and I kept my dog close all day. Suddenly, the day I've been waiting for, for so long seems too close. I didn't think the end would be so close, but then again, I guess I'm forgetting what I told myself when I had just graduated: the end is just the beginning. 

I'm anxious, I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm sad. I'm so many things right now, it's really confusing and overwhelming. I don't want to leave home, because I feel like I'm leaving behind my family, almost like I'm walking away. At the same time, I want to learn, I want to establish my passion, I want to see the fucking world. I don't want to be sad. I know that my relationships with my loved ones aren't ending, they're just changing, but it's hard to see past "I'm leaving them." 

One thing that I decided from living my life and watching my mom live hers, is that it's okay to be selfish sometimes. Actually, sometimes, to move on with your life, you have to be selfish. I feel selfish, but there's things that I need to do that I can't do at home. I love what I have right now, but I won't love it after staying in it for too long. 

And so here it is, my ultimatum for myself:

Amy, you're literally moving into a new phase in your life. Things are changing, your relationships with your family and friends are changing. You're going to meet new friends that you were destined to meet. You're going to learn new things about life and new things in your textbooks. There are things that you were meant to do, and you need to get your ass up and go do those things with confidence and enthusiasm. God made you to live a life of greatness, find that greatness, hold it, learn it, and then share it. Remember, God has a purpose for each tear that will fall from your face; he has a purpose for every tremor in your heart. Trust in Him, and lean on Him throughout this journey. I believe in you and the light that is in your soul. Go get 'em tiger.  

A Never Ending Party

I am currently in New York City as I write this.

That sentence just needs to stands by itself. There's so much to see here and so much to experience. I have no idea how I'm going to fit this city into the short seven days that I will be here, but I am so dazed in love with this city and its inhabitants. 

I was sitting in Washington Square Park last night, taking care of some thoughts that needed to be organized, and I'm still in a high from what I experienced. Everything was just so perfect. 






















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The night was dark, but lit up with the glowing lamps circled around the park. I sat down at a bench and thought about how we can't take the time to experience something without losing the time to make different memories elsewhere. NYU students were talking about meaningless things to my right. In the distance, past the fountain, street vendors were trying to lure in children with small glowing lights thrown into the air. Slightly ahead of me, street musicians, possibly some homeless people, and just regular people were making and sharing music with each other. There were about ten bodies, two guitars, one ukulele, and so much love. They looked like they were having the time of their lives. They were stamping their feet, clapping their hands, teaching each other lyrics and rifts; I wanted so badly to go and join them, but I didn't have the guts. I just enjoyed their love and passion from a distance. I marveled at how these people, who clearly looked as though they were having a rough time getting by, were leaving their fears behind and taking time to enjoy the beautiful, never ending party that life is. 

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I sat tapping my feet along with the strum of the strings, and in the darkness, a scruffy voice appeared. It said, "They are the most uncoordinated musicians that I have ever heard." The voice, accented, came from an elderly man with white hair and a rather full stomach;  I could distinguish his facial features through the dim lights. I turned to him, smiled, and said, "But they're having a good time." He agreed and we had a casual conversation about how he was a retired restaurant owner who came to the park every night to hear music. I listened and engaged in light conversation, but really, I was distracted with the musicians up ahead. I wanted to go up to them and ask them to play "Twist and Shout" by The Beatles. I talked to the man about how I wanted to study to make films, maybe write some scripts first. I checked the time on my phone and saw that I had to get back to my friend. I wanted to sit in the park until the last person left, but I knew I had to leave and that no moment lasts forever. Unwillingly, I pulled myself up from the warm concrete bench and bid my friend in the dark goodbye, I shook his hand and left the park and the beautiful hearts and stories in it behind me. I ran across the tiny, cracked street back into air-conditioned rooms.