It's Time

They say that life is a journey, but where does the journey end? Does it end at just death? We strive to be better people and to become more successful; to help the world be a better place. But will there ever be a time or place where we will be that better person? Or that successful person? 

I think there will never be a time or place where we can just stop striving. I think life is a journey that never ends. We will never be the best person that we possibly can be. We will never be the most successful person that we can be. I think the journey of life continues into the afterlife. Maybe we will pick off of where we stopped, or maybe we start fresh, but we will always be the people that we are. 

And so, where I'm going with this is, life is a journey that never ends. We have time to be unsure, we have time to make mistakes, and get back up again. Right now, I'm having second thoughts about everything I thought I was sure about last week. I had a life crisis on Tuesday night, and I was a pinch away from a breakdown. On Tuesday night, I was studying for a biology test that I had on Wednesday. My brain decided that it didn't want to absorb anything that I was reading. It actually decided to just zone out, and I couldn't focus. I was trying and trying to read my text book, but it just wasn't working. I was frustrated and I felt completely hopeless. I felt like my life was crashing down on me. I studied the best that I could, and I went to sleep feeling like a failure. I went to school on Wednesday, I took my biology test during fifth period, and I got a 54%. It was as expected, but I still felt exasperated. On Thursday, for some reason I felt a push to go to the Jesus club meeting at my school. I went, and there was about ten to fifteen people, most of which that I didn't know; these kids weren't exactly the cream of the crop at my school. But I shoved all the hesitance out of my head, and I realized that I wasn't any superior than anyone in the room. I stayed for the meeting, and I listened with an open and desperate heart. The student speaker, that was sharing the message, challenged us with this one question, "Where are you?" It was the question that God asked Adam and Eve after they took the fateful bite out of the forbidden fruit. When God asked them that, He didn't mean, "Where are you", He meant, "Where are you?" Spiritually. So, I asked myself, "Where am I?"

And I realized, I was no where. I was trapped in a labyrinth of social expectations and a set of falsity that believed about myself. These past couple of months, I've been telling myself that I was okay, that I was making lemonade. But I wasn't. I've been making cough syrup. It's time that I seek my real journey; my real journey with God, myself, my ambitions, and the truth. It's okay if I'm not sure right now. One day I will have to be sure, but today is not that day.

Life is a journey, and I've been trying to find a shortcut. I've been wasting my time. It's time to turn around and get back on my path. 

What In the Hell Am I Doing?

School is still just starting, and so far, I'm hating every bit of it. Just to be completely honest. 

I feel like everything I'm doing, I'm putting effort into, but all I'm getting only half of what I'm putting in back. Or maybe I'm just giving myself too much credit. But in any case, everything is just really difficult and I feel like the only thing I'm making is a mistake. 

I'm on the brink of the first breakdown of the year, and I really don't want to be in this position right now. I want to run away, bury myself in a hole and never come out again. 

I'm really stressed right now because I'm applying to colleges right now, and I still have no idea where I want to apply to; I am also supposed to be writing my applications right now too, and I'm really behind. On top of that, I have an upcoming SAT II subject test coming up in less than two weeks. On top of that, I, for reasons unknown, signed up for AP Biology at school, and I'm failing miserably. 

I'm just really distracted and I can't find my calm anywhere. I find it really hard to concentrate at home because everything is in front of me: my laptop, my phone, my dog, my sisters, my grandpa, and loads and loads of food. And when I go to study at a small coffee shop, that's relatively quiet, I can only stay for, tops two hours, because something will eventually annoy me, so I just get up and leave. 

Just moments ago, my mom, who I see everyday for a total of about five minutes, kept coming into my room while I was trying to study for my Bio test tomorrow, so I just got really frustrated, and I just snapped at her. 

I feel like I just can't do it. I can't win in my tennis matches, I can't pass my Biology tests, I can't write my college essays. Right now it all just sounds like a huge sob story, but I'm on the brink of throwing the towel in. I never imagined my senior year would get so stressful so fast. 

I'm hanging on the one thread of hope I have right now, Jesus. And I feel like shit going back to Him after I've been pushing Him away for several months now. I didn't think I was, but I think I was really angry at Him for messing up our church and our family. I was hurt, and I still am. I don't know if I can just "go back" to God. I know I need Him to get by in the world, but I just don't know how I can trust Him. 

Life is beating me down, and I'm slowly falling down into the hole it's pushing me in.