Life: The Beautifully Uncontrolled

That's life. Karma. Life's not fair. You can't always get what you want. Life's a bitch.

People say these phrases to me, and I say them to myself, all the time. I hear them so much, that they've lost meaning to me. What do you mean life's not fair? I get it, that my suffering is inevitable. I get that part, but why. Why do I have to experience stress and anxiety so often? If I do all the pre-requisites right, then shouldn't the road be cleared of bumps and cracks? I get it, that we don't plan out our own lives and that God is in control. I'm willing to put my faith and trust in God, but why then does He have to instill so much pain? Isn't it enough that I trust in Him and I choose to live by Him?

This sucks.

I'm running out of hope. I get closer and closer to throwing the towel in each day, and my reasons for not throwing it in are getting slimmer and slimmer. The people around me are not encouraging me. I'm just getting annoyed and frustrated with them as well. From here, maybe it's me. No it's not. I'm trying so hard to look over the belittling and the condescending remarks, but at certain points it's too hard. I have stress too. I can't keep a smile on my face while holding in my sorrows and accept your shit. I'm barely keeping myself together and to have to take your shit at the same time is not going to work with me.

-fast forward to six hours later, when I'm out of my anger rage-

Yeah, I'm still a little upset that life is the way that it is. It's not like 'oh, I hate surprises'. It's more like, I can see things coming my way, but I can't do anything about them. And it does suck. My questions are still in the air, and I still want answers. Actually not just answers, I want solutions. How can I make this better? But for now, I'm willing to settle. Honestly, I'm not sure why. I know that God is beside me, but I still keep wanting to turn around and make sure. I'm really confused still of how this is all supposed to go down, but whatever. I guess. I'm here, God's there. I'm just going to wait, and in the meantime try to understand what the hell is going on.

Ahhhhh, 2014, the year of many happenings. The year I surprisingly got really into the Paramore/Fall Out Boy/ Panic! punk-rock scene. The year we saw the youngest nobel prize laureate. The year "How I Met Your Mother" concluded with its ninth season. The year I graduated from high school. The year I started college. The year the world saw its warmest climate, ever. It was the year.

It's 2:18AM right now, I have to admit that, I was pretty bummed that I wasn't in Time Square to see the ball drop, or in Vegas, or Dubai with a huge crowd of drunk, fun people living it up. I came home from church, after our New Year's Eve service, and was in a bit of an irritated mood. No sparklers to light, no screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR". Humph. But then I opened up my laptop to write this, I've actually been meaning to write this for several days now, and I sorted through my pictures, and I relived all the amazing things that I was able to live through this year. Just because I wasn't at Time Square when the ball dropped, or at Vegas to see all the fireworks, it doesn't mean that I haven't lived. I've lived so much this year. I made so many memories. I learned so many things. I met so many people. I ate a lot of ice cream. And so, without further ado, future Amy, fellow internet human, alien from outer-space, you, here is my amazing, kick-ass year in pictures. Oh, and.. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Ugh, Sara Bareilles. She's so fucking cool.

The momentous first drive to SB.

The first time I set foot on campus, in March on Spring Insight day. The day that helped me make my decision, and here I am now. It's so crazy, how things could easily have gone differently.

When little girls wear dresses, little girls fall.

Rock 'n roll, babe.

Switchfoot!

The definition of 'graceful'. Look it up.

Will I ever get on another school bus?

Hot damn, my hair looked so great.

My Oscars selfie.

What happened? What did he say? No, I wasn't listening, I was taking pictures.

Hair on fucking point again.

Snapchat memories.

Raising the roof like I do.

My sea stars.

She's always there, like a barnacle. She's my barnacle.

Woohoo!

My bitches

The greatest support group

Ryan Tedder and his angelic voice

The pre-jump

This kid and his winning facial expression

Every summer needs a Ruby's strawberry milkshake.

July fourth with my psychotic family.

I don't think I'll ever get over the beauty that lives in Santa Barbara, CA.

I go to school here!!!!! It's all so crazy. Cuh-razy.

He was so thrilled.

Never take a game of sharks and minnow lightly.

CATALINAAA

I was done, after waking up at 5AM.

So many memories, this deserves a heart. <3

The amount of our relationship that was captured in this picture blows my mind.

THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAA

Catalina, why u gotta be so gorg????!?!

Stahp.

STAHP IT.

First day of middle school: can you feel the awkwardness arising from this picture? Don't squawk, you've been there too. Or you will be.

God bless the beach. And Southern California.

Oh, New York. How you captured a portion of my heart this summer. One day, I'm gonna come back and live in you.

By far, my favorite aspect of the city: the street music.

Fell in love with the theatre after this production.

And finally.. COLLEGE! This was that one DJ that one time when he took that one selfie and played that one song. Yeah, it was cool.

JACK FUCKING JOHNSON. You bet your ass I saw him on my way back from the library. And you bet your ass I skipped my second English lecture to watch him sing "Banana Pancakes" and talk about how he met is wife at this campus.